LaughLines: Au Naturel: Pass the Hot Rawks, Please

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I attended the Natural Products Expo in Boston recently, and while I’ve attended shows like this before, I’m always astounded at the amazing (stupefying! mesmerizing! alarming?) assortment of foods, supplements, remedies, mixtures, elixirs and downright weird stuff, all under one big roof.

There certainly was lots to see — and taste. I tried tofu burgers that tasted like wet cardboard, green tea that made me green, and sugar-free cookies that could’ve benefited from . . . well, sugar. Organic candies, chocolate, crackers, cookies, colas, and more – even organic cheese-like snacks without the radioactive orange dust you find on “real” Cheez Doodles.

I tried not to sample everything, since I’ve learned that a calorie is a calorie, organic or not. After spending three days at my first “healthy” food show, I actually had to buy a bigger pair of pants before heading to the airport.

One new find at this show was “delicious, effervescent super multi-vitamin and multi-mineral powders that are a superior and convenient alternative to taking regular vitamin pills.” Did I want to start concocting my daily vitamin every morning? Nope, too complicated – I’m lucky if I’m out the door with clean underwear and no missing buttons.

My favorite product at the show had to be Hot Rawks, billed as “the world’s only QAI certified organic, raw, superfood-injected aphrodisiac supplement for men and women.” According to the literature, Hot Rawks are “a completely natural, vegan, non-GMO herbal supplement made without harsh chemicals, binders or fillers of any kind . . . (that) helps stimulate libido, energy, mood, focus, vitality, and balance hormones naturally.”

Hmm. Just reading the packaging made me kind of hot, and I know that if I brought a few Hot Rawks home, my husband would have had the same reaction. After all, Matt gets excited by saying the word “excited.” One quick read about what Hot Rawks do, and well, he wouldn’t need any Hot Rawks to get his rocks hot, so to speak.

Funny how the organic and natural products industry manages to take the low road like everyone else. Foods, supplements and other stuff you don’t really need, but think you need. All-natural crapola packaged and promoted like the regular crapola – except with a price point that makes you run screaming for the exits.

Which I did after a few hours. I had had enough of the organic hand lotion, the all-natural licorice sticks (they were awful, by the way), and the non-stop wheeling-and-dealing. My feet hurt and so I lugged my giant bag of organic stuff to the escalator, checking my pocket every few minutes to be sure my stash of Hot Rawks was still there.

Just stopped for a quick call to suggest to my husband that my mother watch the kids tonight. Was I excited? Not yet . . .

About Cate Drew

I’m on the high side of 40, with three dogs, two teens and one husband, living in a small New England town in a house that’s never quiet. Ever. It’s not that I have a really colorful life – I just tend to write colorfully about it. And there’s plenty of material: marriage to the Man of a Thousand Bad Ideas,.. my mom, who moved Dad’s coffin closer to the street six months after he died so she could visit his grave as a kind of drive-up window…our dog posse…our kids…lots of siblings and in-laws, former co-workers, old boyfriends -- they’re all here. Toss in 14 years of Catholic school and you’ve got a lot of guilt, too. Which reminds me: forget “high side of 40.” I’m 51, damnit.

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