LAUGHLINES: Things I Just Don’t Get

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As I sat in the airport the other day, I killed time by making a list of things I just don’t get:

I don’t get allowing dogs in ‘people’ stores. I saw a guy in New York City stroll into a GAP with his leashed dog and no one batted an eye. I love dogs, but I go shopping to escape the constant panting and poop clean-up. Is there no safe haven?

Also pet-related . . . I just don’t get owning a parrot. Hard to figure out the fun sitting there, watching a large caged bird watch you back. Or worse, talk back.

Hard to figure out why fat women get pedicures. Come on. How often do they see their own feet?

And speaking of feet…I can’t figure out French manicures on feet. Why emphasize the length of your toenails with bright white nail polish? It’s icky.

I don’t understand allowing motorcyclists to drive between lanes in traffic jams. It happens in LA – and probably other places. Doesn’t seem fair.

I just don’t get why James Franco has a successful acting career.

Why did anyone invent low-fat ice cream? It’s a cheat.

I don’t get why people buy DVDs before seeing the movie. Why plunk down $24.99 for a movie you may not even like? You test drive a car, so why not spend 10 bucks at your local movie theater checking out the latest Harry Potter flick before adding it to your home DVD library?

Holding yard sales every week – what gives? We’ve got a neighbor who sets up a card table in her driveway and writes out a crayon-on-cardboard sign every Saturday, in the hope she’ll finally sell the crap she hauled out of the basement. Give it up, Sherry. No one wants the stuff. Just leave it on the side of the road, turn that sign around and write FREE in big letters. Your crap will be snapped up in 20 minutes.

I don’t get why it took so long to invent luggage on wheels.

Why do men lie about their height? Isn’t it obvious? (Tom Cruise, are you listening?)

And as I continue to sit here in the airport, here’s my final “don’t get” item: why don’t the folks using the PA system realize that we can’t understand a word they’re saying?

Uh? What was that? Whoa – gotta go. I’m late for my flight….I think….

About Cate Drew

I’m on the high side of 40, with three dogs, two teens and one husband, living in a small New England town in a house that’s never quiet. Ever. It’s not that I have a really colorful life – I just tend to write colorfully about it. And there’s plenty of material: marriage to the Man of a Thousand Bad Ideas,.. my mom, who moved Dad’s coffin closer to the street six months after he died so she could visit his grave as a kind of drive-up window…our dog posse…our kids…lots of siblings and in-laws, former co-workers, old boyfriends -- they’re all here. Toss in 14 years of Catholic school and you’ve got a lot of guilt, too. Which reminds me: forget “high side of 40.” I’m 51, damnit.