LIVING UNSCRIPTED: The Universe Hath Spoken

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Piss-S-S-S-T-T, Shaz!

S-h-h-h-h-h-h!

Around the bend, in the unseen, arising from the very uncertainties that may now seem to taunt you, there are amazing surprises, awesome twists, and spellbinding coincidences about to emerge that you can’t even now imagine.

Mooo-hoo-ha-ha-ha-haaaaa,

The Universe

The Universe promised an á-muse-ment, and it didn’t disappoint. I was meeting Mein Herr in Stuttgart … a guy I met in 1968, saw three times since (last in 2002) and had recently felt oddly connected to.

I was staying with a gal pal, but it was Mein Herr who was waiting at the end of the platform when my train arrived. Undeterred by my email warning that I had not one, but two heavy suitcases AND a horrible head cold, he was there, bowing a respectful “Namaste” –and I got the glow. But since the Universe decided to infect me with the flu

–I kept my body at an appropriate distance and bowed, quietly, in response. Damn.

I knew from recent emails and a SKYPE, that he, like me, has been on a spiritual journey for a while — and he, like me, had opted out last fall (after the death of his mother) from the life he had been devoted to (also theater) to figure out what he wants to do next. Since we’d seen each other last, he’d lost his wife and struggled professionally; I’d ended an impossible marriage and certainly understood his frustration (& deep passion) for the business.  We were both looking forward to reconnecting “live and in color” as he wrote in his final email –and I wondered if our being sooooo on the same page was some sort of a Cosmic joke. Not that it mattered… I still let my imagination rip with all kinds of romantic notions.

When I did see him, there was so much I wanted to say — and too much I probably did say in nonsensical blabbering when we sat down for coffee.  We admitted feeling inexplicably “safe” with each other and wondered out loud “why?”  We weren’t particularly close when I lived there as an exchange student; he stopped by years later when he heard I was visiting my host family — and I met him twice afterwards when I was in Stuttgart on business… nothing more than brief encounters with a mutual appreciation for theater.

But if there are no accidents and the Universe is truly showing us things we need to learn in this lifetime, maybe my flu was intentional: I was as untouchable as he was…His “new love just moved in” with him, he casually mentioned and she’s a whopping 20 years younger.  (bang! bang!)

Either it was my stuffed head or my spiritual maturity but the reality of him being in a committed relationship stopped me cold in my feverish tracks.  Not wanting to throw any obstacles in the way of his process, I heard “respect the boundaries” in my head, “let it play out” …If there’s something there, you’ll know

We debated the spiritual belief that we live our lives in our own little bubbles, floating along next to all the other little bubbles — and that the things that initially bind us may be just “spirituality” (for him, his babe) or “sexuality” (for me, Bond,James) but ultimately, we each travel our own road.  That may be the case, but I know I want to move forward in a double bubble, grow older with a good man, especially now, when I have this opportunity for a new beginning. But what do you do if you’re me? My imagination is multi-lingual and open to alternative life styles …  Florida, London, Germany or the Negev dessert – I’m still allowing myself to imagine living in two places and wondering if it could really work — or if I’m nutty.

With restricted body language (for fear of leaving him with nasal congestion), we had only words –and an attraction level (on my end at least) of 12 on a scale of 1 to 10.  Almost comically, there were just too many obstacles to intimacy … my flu, his babe –and several interrupted conversations from friends oblivious to all those heated molecules buzzing about.

But maybe the cosmic intension was for me to be with him in a town he hadn’t been back to since his wife’s passing and at an event in her honor that might otherwise have been more difficult without me, a trusted friend, present… Maybe that’s what the Universe was thinking when it reconnected us over and over again: that it would be for these two days.  And maybe that’s why, meeting now, at significant crossroads, we may just be passing by each other.

With more than a few unanswered questions that will just have to wait, I smiled coolly and agreed to monthly SKYPEs. Careful not to breathe on him, I moved in for a genuine hug –and as he headed down the steps to the reception, I could actually feel him walking away in to a world that doesn’t include me.

I headed to the car with my gal pal, Bine (who insisted on picking me up to save him the drive) –and blew my nose.

I’d spend a pfennig for his thoughts, but determined to give it space (whatever it is) –and me, time to sort out my feelings, I focused on Bine (and her 30-year-old daughter, visiting Mama for the weekend). Being “present” with them was exactly what to do.  Not only did Bine take charge of curing my common cold, spoon feeding me holistic cough syrup after every meal (too funny) but I got to know her so much better than ever before… walking, talking and afternoon naps in the sun; she’s a fantastic femme.

Enamored with Mother Nature, she identified every tree in sight, expecting me, a post-menopausal city-chick to remember which is which.  She lives in a lovely home, set on a hillside, with terraces overlooking the small, charming town of Reutingen and the wooded hills in the distance. Sadly, she lost her childhood sweetheart & soul mate years ago (I knew him well) but it was a treat to see so much of him in their daughter, as if he was at the table with us, enjoying the banter.  She, too, has a new love now (not 20 years younger, I’m just saying’), a steady companion & travel buddy who enjoys life as she does.

The Universe promised me some surprises and I suppose it’s enough to have had the chance to be with them, both of them.  Whether my feelings for Mein Herr are real or imagined –or I forget which is the apple blossom and which the pear, I never expected to learn so much about them or leave with so many questions about me.  For the first time on this journey, it feels like I’m on the road to somewhere. And maybe because I’m still not sharing it all with my friends back home, I’m doing it, bravely, on my own.

NOTE TO SELF: Que sera sera.

About Shaz

I’m 59 and never expected to be divorced and, having raised a big family in the city I grew up in, to be still living there now completely on my own. My parents are gone and my grown children have opted for smaller towns. My father passed away this past February and my children suggested I take off and make a world tour of all my friends overseas…In piecing that together in my mind, I imagined taking a boat across, as I did the first time I went to Europe with my grandmother, as a teenager – and in that vision, I imagined taking those first five days and writing. Writing about where I’d been, writing about what I want, writing about the crossing over from my past to my future.

In reestablishing myself as a single woman, I’ve made new connections with some fabulous women and realized I’m not the only one going through this; there are other women out there who are also on a journey to becoming whole again. I hope my personal adventure will help us all find humor in the aging process –and confidence in following our hearts.

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