Hot Husband! Sex With The Tin Man

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By Cate Drew
Laugh LinesMy husband Matt is a real hottie. Good looking, tall, broad-shouldered, gorgeous full head of hair. Wow.
No, I’m not the only one who thinks so: when he was 51, I entered him in a national mag’s Hottest Husband contest and he made the top 20 before losing to a 20-something plumber who moonlighted as a massage therapist (how can you top that combo??). Yes, Matt is hot, and he gets hot regularly, but he also has a bad heart. A big heart, but like Swiss cheese. The rundown plays over in my head occasionally: 13 cardiac catherizations, two heart attacks, four implanted stents, one implanted defibrillator – sounds like a wacky version of “The Twelve Days of Christmas.”

Matt’s also had other medical calamities since we’ve been married. In an action-packed 20 years, he’s had two disk surgeries, one knee surgery, and a replaced shoulder. The man has so much metal in him, it takes us forever to get anywhere, since airport security has to physically pat him down, and the last security guy got so personal with his hands, I thought the least he could do was buy Matt dinner afterward. (Was it good for you, sir?)

Despite the problems with his heart and other body parts, however, Matt and I have a bang up sex life, but it’s not without problems when one of the participants has a bum ticker. Given that, I gave him two ground rules when it comes to having sex:

1) You can’t die in the act – it will ruin sex for me, and I could live a very long time.
2) If you feel like you’re about to go and you’re on top, please be sure NOT to land on top of me, since you’re 6’3” and 250 pounds. They won’t find me for a week.

The other problem is Matt’s implanted defibrillator, which zaps the heart into normal rhythm if it beats too fast, and regulates it with a pacemaker if it beats too slow.

Sounds wonderful, but my main concern after the implantation was what happens if this thing zaps Matt (the brochure calls it “delivering therapy”) when Matt is, ahem, zapping me? If I’m connected to the patient, so to speak, do I get shocked, too? Will I end up unconscious or will it just kill me outright?

No, no, said Dr. Heart Expert. It’s perfectly safe. If therapy is delivered during coitus, you’ll just feel tingling.

What a relief. So, my next question… Does this thing come with a remote control?

Written By
Cate Drew

LAUGH LINES | HER BUSY LIFE

About Cate Drew

I’m on the high side of 40, with three dogs, two teens and one husband, living in a small New England town in a house that’s never quiet. Ever. It’s not that I have a really colorful life – I just tend to write colorfully about it. And there’s plenty of material: marriage to the Man of a Thousand Bad Ideas,.. my mom, who moved Dad’s coffin closer to the street six months after he died so she could visit his grave as a kind of drive-up window…our dog posse…our kids…lots of siblings and in-laws, former co-workers, old boyfriends -- they’re all here. Toss in 14 years of Catholic school and you’ve got a lot of guilt, too. Which reminds me: forget “high side of 40.” I’m 51, damnit.

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